Thursday, February 9, 2012

Winners! Usenet kook Awards, January 2012


Despite the claims by Emmett "Crappantz ShittyPanties" Gulley that the
Usenet Kook Awards were banned forever, the time has come to announce
the results of the January 2012 Usenet Kook Awards.  Down here in Deep
East Texas we'uns call that a  SPNAK and SMACKDOWN on ShittyPanties.
Without further ado, Col. Jake would you please cue The Velvet
Knights?

<drumroll>

BOBO
The winner is...ATLAS BUGGED!
Yes...22
No......3

KOOK OF THE MONTH
The winner is...% squiggle teh AssWorm!
%........................20
Atlas Bugged.........5
none of the above..1

Well done, squiggle!  Your Usenet brethren and sistern decided to
reward you for your 400,000+ posts consisting of "hi" "boner" and
"yay!

CLUELESS NEWBIE OF THE MONTH
The winners are...JANITHOR and % !  A tie!
Janithor...............11
%........................11
none of the above..0

Congratulations filthy support group trolls!  I find it fitting that
the two of you get to share this award.

COWARD OF THE MONTH
The winner is... ALIEN!

Alien.....................13
Emmett Gulley........8
Janithor..................7
none of the above ..0

Congratulations, anonymous otterfilthing coward!  Yer finally gettin'
the attention you crave, hey?  You managed to knock off The Pissbum
Powerhouse!

LOONEY MAROON AWARD
The winner is...EMMETT GULLEY!
Emmett Gulley............................................15
Dave "The Doctor"/"The Idiot" Yadallee.......4
Greg "Greegor Rock Hard Stupid" Hanson...3
Raymond Karczweski..................................1
Richard Scovile............................................0
none of the above.........................................0

GOLDEN KILLFILE
The winners are... Ras Michael Enoch  (aka Michael McCarty)!
Yes..13
No.....2

...and fasgnadh!

Yes...14
No......4

Congratulations!

JOSEPH BARTLO "PATHETIC ANAL PINEAPPLE" AWARD
The winner is... EMMETT "SHITTY PANTIES" GULLEY!
Emmett "Crappantz"Gulley.............16
MMFC (Mark Morgan Fan Club)...6
% Squiggle teh AssWorm................1
none of the above............................1

Congratulations, Emmett! Just how pathetic does one have to
be to be twice as pathetic as the pathetic AssWorm and the pathetic
MMFC?
(Thanks to PJR for the above bit)

PALMJOB PADDLE
The winner is... EMMETT "PISSBUM POWERHOUSE" GULLEY!
Yes...24
No......0

Congratulations Emmett on a Palmjob well done.  The vote was
unanimous!

TONY SIDAWAY DRAMA QUEEN AWARD
The winners are...EMMETT GULLEY AND GREG "NEAL WARREN" HALL!
Yes..22
No.....1

Great teamwork, Florida kooks!  Is there something in the water in
Florida?  Could it be the fecal matter drifting away from Nellie's
"yacht"?

VICTOR VON FRANKENSTEIN WEIRD SCIENCE AWARD
The winner is...EMMETT GULLEY!
Emmett Gulley......16
fasgnadh.................5
none of the above...2

Congratulations, Gulley!  Another smashing VICTOLLY for you, but I
really think you ought to get back with your friends at NOAA and the
NWS and have them explain humidity to you again.

GEORGE PICKET MEMORIAL TROPHY
The winner is...EMMETT GULLEY!
Yes...21
No......1

You go, Emmett!  Perhaps you can recruit Bobbi Sanchez and her bayonet
to help you to finally defeat your enemies.

GEORGE ARMSTRONG CUSTER "KICKED @$$" AWARD
The winner is...FASGNADH!
Yes..17
No.....2

Congratulations, FuzzNuts!  You've got those filthy atheists on the
run!  Not.

BUSTED URINAL AWARD
The winner is...wait for it...EMMETT GULLEY!

Yes...23
No......0

Emmy, you have stunk up AUK so completely that Nellie's shit bucket
smells sweet by comparison.

UNABOMBER SURPRISE
The winner is...MEOWMIX! <braying of horns from The Velvet Knights>

meowmix..............12
none of the above...7
fasgnadh.................6

Ok, rocky, you won an award.  Now please to stop whinging about never
winning an award.

GOOFY AZZED BABBOON
The winner is...EMMETT GULLEY!

Emmett Gulley..........18
none of the above.......3
Ras Michael Enoch ....2

Another SMACKDOWN! for the Pissbum Powerhouse!

72 RAISINS "CRACKPOT RELIGION" AWARD
The winner is...ALT.ATHEISM!

alt.atheism................12
Ras Michael Enoch....6
WeeSaul....................3
none of the above.......2
Mangler.....................1

Congratulations, godless heatherns!  Another award for your trophy
case!

BOLO BULLIS FOAM DUCK
The winner is...EMMETT GULLEY!

Emmett "Pissbum Powerhouse" Gulley........19
Greg "Greegor Rock Hard Stupid" Hanson...6
none of the above.........................................0

Rock Hard Stupid didn't stand a chance in this matchup.  Gulley makes
Bullis look like a genius.

BALSA GAVEL
The winner (?) is...ATLAS BUGGED!
Yes..25
No....0

BARBARA WOODHOUSE MEMORIAL DOG-WHISTLE AWARD
The winner is...EMMETT GULLEY, trained by Albatross!

Emmett Gulley, trained by
Albatross...............................................................................14
Greg Hall,trained by Checkmate...............................................4
Kachina, trained by Checkmate, Johnny Dollar, and Fred Hall...4
none of the above.....................................................................1

Congrats, Alby!  After a decade of training, emmy now performs on cue.
If only he could be trained to stop shitting on himself.

DOUGLAS GRANT MEDAL FOR HISTORICAL REVISIONISM
The winner is...EMMETT GULLEY!

Yes...18
no.......4

Always keep in mind, emmy, that if you don't  remember the past you
will be condemned to repeat it.  Sorta like "Groundhog Day."

RICHARD M NIXON "PATHOLOGICAL LIAR" AWARD
The winner is...EMMETT GULLEY!

Yes..26
No....0

How do we (tinw) know when emmy's lying?  When his stubby fingers are
pecking out pathetic posts.

EMMETT GULLEY OBSESSO AWARD
By Cabal Executive Order (tinceo) the Emmett Gulley Obsesso award is
hereby presented to Alien.  500 line Meat Plow and Gary Burnore sigs
are a sure sign that Alien the Anonymous Coward just ain't right in
the head.

GLOBAL VILLAGE PUMP
The winner is...FASGNADH!
fasgnadh...............16
Matthew Moulton...4

Good job, FuzzNutz!  There aren't many kooks who could dethrone teh
Diaperboi.

AUK MASCOT
The winner is...EMMETT GULLEY!

Emmett Gulley...15
Bobbi Sanchez....7

What a performance, ShittyPanties!  Award after award after award!  No
wonder you were kept locked in the Galactic Killfile!

OFFICE OF DARTH BAWL
No challengers, the incumbent Greg "Neal Warren" Hall will continue to
serve in this position.

OFFICE OF VILLAGE IDIOT
The winner is...GREG "NEAL WARREN" HALL!
Greg "Neal Warren" Hall................13
Greg "Rock Hard Stupid" Hanson...10

Close vote, Nellie!  You may not hold this position much longer.

OFFICE OF KOOKI INFORMATION MINISTER
The winner and still champ is...AGAMEMNON of rec.arts.drwho!

Agamemnon...................................14
dsharavi <dsharavii@hotmail.com>...2

Sorry, Deb, but I suspect Aggie will hang on to this office until
Usenet goes the way of the dinosaurs.

MINISTRY OF CIRCLE JERKS
The winners are...THE 4 STOOGES, GULLEY, HALL, %, and JANITHOR!

Emmett Gulley, Greg Hall, % AssWorm, and Janithor...21
Emmett Gulley, Alexander 'Dink' Cain and Albatross......1
The Creationist Vigilance Committee (incumbent)...........0

Congratulations, Stooges!  I'd ask teh Janitor to clean up the dried
feces in Emmett's Galactic Killfile suite, but it appears he's walked
off the job to take a position as head of Goathead Janitorial, Inc.

PIERRE SALINGER MEMORIAL HOOK, LINE & SINKER
The winner is...FRED HALL for his "I got NETKKKOPPED at Altopia!"
troll.

Yes..24
No....1

HAMMER OF THOR

Checkmate
Yes...13
No....10

Albatross
Yes...14
No.....6

After discussions with FNVWE's, Fluffy, and the Cabal, it has been
decided to enforce the rule that the ratio of yes to no votes for this
award should be 3:1.  Therefore, there are no winners of the Hammer of
Thor for this ballot.

On a more uplifting note, the following ambassadors have been accepted
from the Empire of Meow:

Knoxy, Ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary from
alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk.

Neon Kachina, with bells, motley,and an honorary tinfoil tiara.
Romathian ambassador.

This concludes the results of the January 2012 ballot. Thirty-three
ballot papers
were received, of which twenty-nine were deemed valid.  One ballot was
submitted by someone who apparently got lost on their way to
talk.bizarre.  I have no idea what they thought they were voting for.

The Velvet Knights will serenade us as we file out of the Cabal
Obsidian Order Congregational Hall (tinCOOCH).  I'd like to thank
Fluffy, Bob, The Cabal, and you, dear voters, for making this awards
ceremony a success.



2 comments:

  1. Why do I have to share the award with %? That's not fair, I won it fair and square. - Janithor

    ReplyDelete
  2. No, it was a tie, fair and square. You should have campaigned harder.

    ReplyDelete